President-King Obama Purchases Colorado, Alaska
by Ibn Abu Mahmud Arshad, GNN, July 13, 2060 9:32 a.m.
In preparation for the upcoming 2060 elections, President-King Hussein A. Obama declared his purchase of the states of Colorado and Alaska to further secure his election.
“These are trying times,” he said from the White House balcony, flanked by two Secret Service agents carrying fully automatic assault rifles. “In order to ensure stability of our great nation, it is essential that each and every state stand united under my flag.”
President-King Obama adds Colorado and Alaska to his growing list of recently acquired states, putting the total to 33. At the current rate, he will own all 52 states by the end of 2062.
“I am so happy for our President-King,” Vice President-King Robert Biden said. “He’s worked hard for this. He deserves it.”
Although President-King Obama only required 27 states to guarantee a 2060 election victory, he says having the full support and ownership of all 52 states will lead to a more unified, more stable country. The unification of the states, he says, has been a dream of his since his initial inauguration-crowning in 2052.
White Americans now Apply for Jobs
by Jose Cordoza, GNN, July 13, 2060 10:42 a.m.
The U.S. Department of Economic Efficiency announced today that white Americans and other Anglo-Saxon descendants can now apply for jobs in their local area. As part of the Efficiency Jobs Act of 2042, which also instituted the Department of Economic Efficiency, Americans of Caucasian descent are no longer eligible for food stamps.
“This is all part of the government’s plan,” said Yolanda Bertucci, Secretary of Efficiency. “We’re taking care of everybody.”
Provisions in the Efficiency Jobs Act allow African, Mexican, and other groups of majority ethnic backgrounds to continue applying and qualifying for jobs. They are required to submit a one page essay to the Department of Economic Efficiency describing why they deserve a job and/or a monthly salary. These provisions were incorporated by the Jobs Fairness Act of 2045 after heavy criticism that non-majority ethnic groups (such as Caucasians) may receive privileged treatment.
In response to these criticisms, Ms. Bertucci said, “This rotation does not provide special treatment for anybody. In fact, it ensures that jobs are more likely to be given to the majority races.”
To apply for local jobs, white Americans must undergo a rigorous health scanning to verify their ability to perform satisfactorily. No criminals will be accepted, including those previously found guilty of speech violations, and those who qualify can expect to receive a monthly compensation package of $300 and two large hens during the length of their employment.
Constitutional Convention passes Amendment 32, Dissolves U.S. Supreme Court
by Pan Zhen Sheng, GNN, July 13, 2060 11:15 a.m.
As expected, the proposed Amendment 32 passed with a supermajority of 40 states voting in favor. The amendment strikes out the majority of Article III of the U.S. Constitution, effectively dissolving the U.S. Supreme Court.
The decision has been declared a victory for freedom by President-King Obama, whose father was known for his struggles with the Supreme Court.
“Although my father’s vision of health care for all citizens was upheld in the landmark decision of 2012,” the President-King said, “he held a natural and justified distrust of the court from that point on. After all, what does it say about a country if its laws can be abruptly struck down by the whims of nine un-elected people?”
When asked how she feels about the end of her career as Chief Justice, Elena Kagan was surprisingly chipper. “Oh, don’t worry about me. The President-King already has ideas for my future. Let’s focus on the fact that this decision opens a new door for America. Today, we cried out in one voice to declare our sovereignty from a defunct institution that was at best careless and at worst an enemy of the Kingship.”
President-King Obama says his next move to guarantee the freedom of the federal government is to reduce state governments to what he calls an “advisory position”. In reducing states’ powers, Obama says, the federal government’s freedom to ensure fairness and economic redistribution will be unbridled.
Opinion: Government Desecrates Freedom
by Andrew Smith, GNN, July 13, 11:03 p.m.
EDITOR’S NOTE: As part of our ongoing commitment to ensure all voices are heard, we are obliged to include commentary that may be construed as extreme and/or blasphemous. Please note that the views expressed in the following column are held by the author and are not necessarily shared by the Government News Network (GNN). As per Article V of the Truth in Media Act of 2039, certain sections have been omitted to prevent the spread of anti-government sentiment, while compulsory comments have been added in brackets [ ].
[President-King] Obama’s purchase of two more states of the union continues a lifelong, family trend of
trampling individual freedom. Only 60 years ago, the purchase of state property by the federal government was nearly unheard of. The purchase of votes, as this surely is, was not unheard of but was considered illegal.
If they could see America today, the Founding Fathers would be
rolling in their graves. They envisioned an America that stood for individual rights, that saw these rights as inalienable and given to men by their Creator.
The federal government hasn’t had a balanced budget in over [REDACTED] years. The closest we came to a balanced budget was back in 2029 when over half of Alaska was sold to [our allies] the New Soviet Republic.
When President Obama [sadly] passed away in 2051, he left behind a legacy
of Constitution-trampling and censorship that resulted in the loss of half our Bill of Rights in favor of “safety”, as well as the loss of a government that was expected to elect a new leader every four years. His hostile takeover of the Executive Branch in 2016, all in the name of “safety” and “unification”, left a fresh scar that should remind all of us that the federal government has reached the point of no return.
Imagine if we told Thomas Jefferson that he not only had to agree to undergo health examinations to qualify for a job, but that he was also required to request permission to exercise any rights outlined in the first ten Amendments to the U.S. Constitution — which were rendered useless by the 30th Amendment.
These truly are
sad days for America — if we can even call it “America” any more.