Steel yourselves, fellow patriots! The trumpets have sounded, the beast has been released from his underground lair, and people are mysteriously showing up with tattoos of triple-6’s pasted conspicuously on their foreheads. The government, guardian of the underworld itself, has shut down and the gates to hell have opened, spewing their dungeoneering denizens into our atmosphere like the CO2 from Al Gore’s all-natural beef farm.
Many of my posts have warned you of the incoming economic apocalypse (remember that time I agreed with a Russian alarmist?) and the inevitable rise of the President-King (not unlike the Stargate-inspired god-king Xerxes from that crazy 300 movie), but I’ve failed to inform you of the biggest disaster of them all: the shutdown of
Big Brother the Federal Government itself. Without them, who will spy on us keep our national secrets safe?
So, to correct this glaring oversight, I’ve put together a quick list of ways to prepare for a government shutdown. Of course, if you’re reading this now, you’re probably already dead. This list addresses a few of the
fear-mongering factual, state approved items on CNN’s “10 ways a government shutdown will affect your daily life“.
1. Prepare for a stay-cation
National parks are closed all over the nation, so be prepared to follow Michelle Obama’s example and take a group of your BFFs to France. Sip some wine and catch some sun (if it’s still up when the government shuts down), and don’t attempt to visit Roosevelt Forest. All the federal employees who are not working due to furlough (see #2) are currently pretending to stand guard and prevent your access. If you can’t afford a weekend trip to Paris, you filthy bourgeois, I definitely do not advocate knocking over a few flimsy guardrails and letting yourself in, because then you’ll face arrest by your
tyrannical local federal workers whose sole concern is your protection.
2. Stock up on board games, booze, and salt
Because board games and booze is all you’ll be doing during downtime. When you’re not actively warding off your house from demonic spirits with iodized table salt, that is.
This only applies to employees of the federal government. The rest of you — wait, some people still aren’t employed by the federal government? Outrageous! I propose the federal government write a bill that denotes federal employment a RIGHT to be granted by the state! When it manages to shut the gates of hell, anyway.
So I guess those of you weirdos who aren’t yet applying for a federal job can just
go about your usual daily business prepare to be eviscerated by Lord Balor of the Sixth Gate of Hell himself!
3. Flag down a drone
If you’re in dire need of government assistance, fear not: The military is still fully funded and all active personnel are on standby. If you need a wedding blasted into oblivion or you’ve found a brown person for our xenophobic president to target, those services will still be provided. President Obama may not be there to pull the trigger himself, but I’ve heard about a few guys in motor pool who might paint his friendly, smiling face on the nose of a UAV so you can rest assured that your Nobel Peace Prize winning leader has taken spent a few seconds of his precious time to contemplate the method of your demise just before you’re launched into the stratosphere.
But what if you don’t want to nail a Middle Eastern kid with a drone strike? Fear not, Citizen #15498A, FEMA will be at your house in a matter of
days, weeks, or years hours, the amount of time it takes local police to respond to a shooting in Chicago; we guarantee it.
4. Prepare for tax time
Despite the looming apocalypse, tax time remains one of the most important civic duties that falls on you, and the government depends on you to get back on its feet. Its failure to provide breathtaking views in National Parks is no reason to shirk your duties as a citizen of this great nation. While you’re stocking up on Yahtzee, Parcheesi, Risk, and table salt, grab a few extra copies of your 1040 forms, just in case. And you know what? This is a great time to teach the kiddos an important lesson in civics! Aside from taking half their Butterfinger bar and calling them selfish whiners when the ensuing bawling suffocates your ear drums.
Government simply cannot run the risk of millions of people choosing — for themselves — what to do with their own money. Can you imagine? It would be as chaotic as the burly, hairy-armed fist-fight that would erupt after saying men are physically stronger than women at a lesbian convention. The mere thought of people keeping their own money makes me want to go to my local library, grab all federal tax forms, and fill them out for the next several hours so their procedural warmth can envelop me like a
nanny-state heated blanket.
5. Close down shop
Own an insolvent business and can’t find anybody to cook the books and overstate your earnings so Q1 is a polished check on your ledger rather than the bankruptcy risk it really is? Well, too bad, because the Federal Government won’t be able to fill in the hole of offering loans to subprime borrowers; hell, it won’t even be able to coerce local banks into shelling out the cash for your darling green-conscious coffee shop (whose baristas are generously paid $10 above minimum wage thanks to those green initiative subsidies). You’ll have to suffer the effects of the vicious, revolting free market; fail to meet the needs of your customers at a reasonable price and watch as your building collapses in on itself like a dying star while those nasty conservatives cheer on the opposite side of the street! They’ll probably be waving American flags, too. Freaks.
6. Buy lots of trash bags
And donate them to the people of Washington, D.C. The crime rate isn’t important; homicide and rape eventually takes care of itself. All the homeless veterans unable to escape their orbit around the gravity of Obama’s ego will be wading through trash during the shutdown — if they’re not stabbed to death by the city’s ever-increasing violent crime rate, anyway. But then they wouldn’t have to deal with trash. Some may say they’re the lucky ones.
7. Hope and pray (to the government) that you don’t commit suicide
As the CNN article states, the collective psyche will be damaged — and perhaps irreversibly. You and me, we’re just floating turds in the cesspool of Washington, and whatever happens to the cesspool happens to us. We may find ourselves in a cycle of despair and an existential quandary as our leaders decide our pitiful fates, so if you find yourself wanting to buy a gun (which you can’t because the ATF is shutdown) or want to drive into a bridge pylon at 80 mph (which you can’t because without government we won’t have roads), just get yourself a healthy dose of Xanax (which you can because Obamacare has been implemented due to its “essential” status) and shut yourself in your room until the entire nightmare is over (which you can’t because you can’t go to the National Parks).
*Failing to follow one or all of these steps to ensure your survival during these trying times may result in viewing the federal government as a ludicrous body of selfish, greedy loons who shouldn’t be trusted to feed a goldfish once a day. Correction, you will suffer the wrath of evil spirits lurking the crumbling streets in the aftermath of a shutdown.