WANTED: Attorney General

DOJPOSITION: Attorney General

LOCATION:  Washington, D.C.

DETAILS:  The U.S. Federal Government is currently seeking to fill an opening for Attorney General of the Department of Justice, to be filled by the end of year. Candidate must meet qualifications listed below and understand expected responsibilities.

RESPONSIBILITIES

  • Target and pursue political enemies as specified by The Party and Dear Leader.
  • Encourage and provoke racial tension through the use of social commentary, typically in an ambiguous environment; i.e. before all facts are known.
  • Develop and deploy new programs to capture drug cartel members. Protection of innocent life not required.
  • Eliminate and/or protect sensitive information regarding all special projects and programs.
  • Offer preferential treatment to specially designated individuals/groups of “minority” status.
  • Quickly interpret and administer laws in a high-risk, fast-paced environment to benefit The Party without damaging its public perception. Experience in plausible deniability a plus.
  • Openly defy enemies of The Party, including the Supreme Court when appropriate.
  • Prepare and deliver morally ambiguous reports to Dear Leader.

REQUIREMENTS

A strong candidate will meet the following requirements*:

  • Strong written and verbal communication skills. Can write/speak in ambiguous terms that allow for plausible deniability.
  • Able to discern Right and Wrong as defined by The Party and its official guidelines.
  • Harbors extreme arrogance and ignorance in the face of facts and predictable consequences.
  • Holds a negative outlook on wealthy white entrepreneurs.
  • Lacks traditional integrity and submits to the moral code of The Party.
  • Employs an ambiguous method of interpreting laws that are subject to the approval of The Party and Dear Leader.
  • Can navigate a wretched swamp of political hacks and deviants all lining up to strip you of your God-given right to rule over them.
  • Proficient in the skill of treachery; both explicit and implicit.
  • Displays extreme loyalty and, if necessary, willing to lay down political career for The Party and/or Dear Leader.

WORK HOURS

As needed and only when hired applicant is comfortable working.

*U.S. Federal Government is an Equal Opportunity Employer and will consider all qualified applicants without regard to race, color, religion, sex, or national origin if you have a (D) next to your name, meet the minimum minority status requirements, and follow a prescribed religion as dictated by The Party.

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